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May 16th, 2011

life stuff i guess

So apparently there's this thing called the calm before the storm. It's a saying or a metaphor. A cliche. Whatever it is, I can attest to its validity and truth. Somehow though, I've completely missed the storm and am now straight in the middle. Caught in the eye where everything's being trashed around you and you're standing still and calm, dead centre of it all. I'm leaving home. Or I've been kicked out. But really, but it doesn't mater either way because in the end, it's pretty much the same shitfest. I'm an unemployed, 19 year old, college dropout with 90 dollars to her name listening intently to Rachmaninoff trying to find hidden meaning in the music. There's something beautiful in his piano concertos that speaks of romance, fairytale and new life. All the while, there's the biting edge of something darker. A depressed man without meaning when not creating music. It's his saviour and my comfort. I recommend Piano Concerto No. 2 in C minor, the Moderato but all of it is beautiful.

I don't know. I only want to talk about the music because it's the only thing that can feel right now. I just feel numb and sort of void (calm like I said) while the music has all this passion and life, history and meaning. It's more beautiful than me. It's worth talking about. Even the static humm, the white noise just underneath the notes, probably from when it was ripped from a vinyl record, comforts me. Or maybe it's that. Maybe it has nothing to do with the music, maybe it's just the empty white noise in the background that's allowing my brain to listen and not think. It feels like I'm the extra in my own play, not a very original simile I know.

I want to write more since writing's always been very cathartic for me but all I keep on typing is 'I don't know'. I can't think of any different words. My new mantra is just surrounding me, filling every stray synapse so that I feel like I'll never lose this feeling. The fear that follows those words will pave and cement themselves along my brain and I'll be hard-wired for the rest of my life to fear the unknown. Now that I'm getting to the end of my tangible thoughts all I can feel is a weight on my chest, right in the centre even though I'm laying on my stomach. A hand around my throat, clawing at my vocal chords and windpipe. I'm being suffocated from the inside out and the static is all that's keeping me sane. The silent breaks and pauses between the music is too much. The people around me are oh so very different and yet, the same. I have nothing to say but I can't stop typing because what else am I going to do. What happens when I stop and shut my laptop off. What happens to me. I'm going to be swallowed whole by the world and all that'll remain is a minute digital signature filled with a few scared words.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I really fucking hope so.

p.s. I'm really sorry for the shit use of tenses. Really, it's like continuity doesn't even exist anymore.