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I've spent the day in this room in this house with the window open.

There was a thunderstorm today and the wind blew the rain in through the open window to soak the carpet at my feet. Afterward the air smelled gorgeous, tangibly clean as if spring had come in and scrubbed away all the smoke and grime left over from winter. The sun's setting and I'm finally excited in what feels like a very long time. Summer's coming. Summer's heat and opportunity and change is just over the horizon. I've never been excited for the New Year's, it was always just an arbitrary day in the middle of the shitfest that is 'the year'. But the summer was always brilliant.. No matter what happened throughout the year, summer was always just around the corner. Whether it was spent working, hanging out with family and friends or holed up alone in a room in a time far from here, summer was always a reprise. A break from the harrowing cold and effort of winter. The summer sun gives me a stronger reason to get up before noon than any class, alarm or event out there. The cool nights spent swimming, drinking and smoking always more interesting when spent in the company of the sounds of nature. The grasshoppers and moths and flickering lights of airplanes and stars.

I once spent a summer up north in Whitehorse with family and the sun would set there at 11pm sometimes 12am and rise again at 3 or 4. Although I hated the hiking and the fishing and the camping and the musquitos, l loved being able to always feel summer. The definite proof of the world turning and changing and the differences between places on this earth. I would think, just like I am now, that somewhere else in this world I'm handing over the responsibility of winter. That on the other side of the world people are just beginning to forget what it feels like to have the sun all day. That for now, it's my chance to be optimistic and start fresh.

I've made it through another year by sheer force of will and obstinacy. My refusal to give in wholly to feeling nothing. Because as much as the summer's beautiful, it's the winter that puts it in perspective for me. My ability to keep going on despite the fact that even as I try to hold on, I'm also breaking everything around me. That despite the fact I'm now an unemployed college dropout with 14 dollars to her name currently living at home, I can still look forward to the summer; to a new haircut, barbecues, new job, old friends and the fucking mosquitoes that just can't take a hint. I'm looking forward to having my window open all day and letting in the bees and moths and the wind they fly in on. I'm looking forward to therapy and the passage of time. I want to work and get to a point where I feel tired because I did something that day, not because the world is overwhelming me. And right now, that feels possible. That I can work to better myself in the next four months. That by the time September rolls around I can accept the burden of winter and enjoy the snow and cold for what it is, just the passing of the seasons.

I've got one last cigarette left and a doctor's appointment tomorrow to talk about quitting. I'm listening to my happy music playlist. I'm writing and reading and applying for jobs. There's an add for a porn shop and although I'm probably mixing porn and reality again, I think it'd be funny if I applied.

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