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Feel free to ignore this

People say the best way to get things off your chest is to write them down. Or see a psychiatrist. Since I can't afford a good psychiatrist at the moment, I'm going to write them down: my feelings.

One, I have many feelings. That seems almost asinine to think and feels genuinely stupid writing down but it's the truth and the only place I could think to start from. And it's not always apparent at first what I'm feeling. As if your body goes one way and your mind another and only after a while does your brain catch up to your body but by that time your mind is off somewhere else or something like that.

And I'm a crier too. It really fucking sucks but there's just something in my hormonal response system that opens the tear glands wide open in stressful situations. Half the time I'm just really fucking angry and I'll still end up crying. I've tried a lot of different hings too to clamp the waterworks. Pain from biting my tongue or cheek (my nails aren't strong/long enough to dig into my palms), blinking really fast, slowly breathing in and out, thinking of cute, little fluffy things. But no, all of them seem as ineffective as controlling the faucet as a sketchy plumber you found for cheap at the back of the yellow pages. You know the kind, the ones that look like they got into the business by watching too many 70s pornos as a kid. The only thing that on occasion does help a little, is to zone out. Not think about alternate dumb things but literally think of nothing. Imagine it as being somewhere between comatose and really fucking high. The problem with that is it gets rid of all the other emotions too. Suddenly you come back to the situation at hand and realise that you really don't give a fuck about the argument. Which is good in some way because I'm guessing that's how most people view arguments after the fact. It really does suck for in the moment though, because the other person is still all riled up and now you're just indifferent.

It also means there's a lot more passiveness on your side just so you don't have to be in the conversation anymore. So many times when I'm dealing with difficult conversations I feel like it's all one-sided. I just can't muster the energy to actually state my opinion because it's just easier to lie and agree so that I don't have to be there anymore.

I's interesting how something so biological as crying and the societal character flaws that come with the stereotype of a blubbering female have influenced the way I act in arguments and dealing with highly stressful situations. I don't want to be the girl that constantly cries when things aren't going her way. Instead, I just bottle it in and try not to care. Not the healthiest thing to do. *sigh*


( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
Apr. 10th, 2011 05:32 pm (UTC)
*curls around you and hugs you tightly* It may sound like horse shit to you now, sweetheart, but things always do get better. Sometimes it takes a while, and you feel like you're never getting anywhere, but it does get better.

Sweetheart, if you ever feel like you need to talk to someone, you can always send me a PM. Whether it's to rant and bitch, or just have a normal talk. Don't be ashamed of crying, though. I'm a guy, and I still cry. That's the big secret men don't want you to know about: we all cry, too.

Just... promise me you won't bottle things up. Repression may seem like the option, but it's really not. I repressed things for my entire life, and now I'm dealing with nineteen years' worth of shit that wants to come out right the fuck now whether I'm ready to deal with it or not.

If it gets this bad again, then write it down like you've done here. Writing things down is really, really good. You don't even have to show it to anyone, but if you do we're all here to give you a big hug, and help you with whatever you need.

That's what friends do, and I'd like to think we're friends. *hugs you tightly again* ♥ The world got brighter, the day you were born into it. Don't ever let anyone tell you differently.
Apr. 28th, 2011 02:10 am (UTC)
Thank you so much for your beautifully kind words. They meant so much to me reading them and are still so helpful upon re-reading.

It's taken me awhile to get back to this because I just don't quite know how to respond to such unbridled support from people. From what I've read of your stories and your comments, you're an incredible person and it means the world to me knowing you read my words and responded to them.

I'm definitely doing better and although I'm kind of tearing up now I wholeheartedly accept your advice of not repressing or feeling ashamed.

Thank you for being a beautiful person Benny and the same goes for you. If you ever feel the need to talk or rant and rave just let me know and I'll try and return the favour. I'm an insomniac with the power of skype so very little stands in the way <3 *hugs*
Apr. 28th, 2011 04:15 am (UTC)
Every word I told you was true. You are a beautiful, wonderful person, and I'm lucky to have met you. Don't be sorry for taking so long, either. You didn't even have to reply if you didn't want to. I just wanted you to know that I'm here for you if you ever need me. *hugs* ♥

Never feel ashamed of who you are. You are strong, and beautiful, and so very caring. Never repress what you feel, either. Don't hide yourself. Nothing will ever make any of us love you less.

I thank you whole-heartedly for your kind offer. If I need to talk to someone, I will talk to you. I don't have skype, though. I tried to get it, but my computer is old, and it doesn't have a microphone. Downloading skype made it go even slower. x.X *shall not be trying that again* I do have email, though, and MSN. *hugs tightly again* ♥♥
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )